Stevens Take on the whole Zombie Thing:

So D, Tim, his gal Lauren, and I went to see Day of the Dead. Afterward 
D and I were considering our plans for the upcoming zombie doom we are to face. 

The Plan: Screw the whole mall thing. The place to go is Home Depot. 
1. Get to a Home Depot. This will be a trick in and of itself, but well worth it. 
2. Before the zombies gather out in the parking lot, go out to the home and garden section and move as much stuff as you can inside. Paying particular attention to seeds, dirt, cement, and anything else that makes sense. 
3. Weld all but two doors closed. One on the front, one at the back. 
4. As there will still be people alive, trying to get in from time to time, build an air lock like mechanism at the doors, so that the inside and outside door can be locked, and you can quarantine people coming in. It would also serve as a holding place incase a zombie gets in at the same time as one of the survivors. You could use a couple of those sheds that are out in the parking lot. As it was Donna's idea, my suggestion was that she can go get them. Or you could build walls out of the stuff that is nice and safe inside. Whose plan do you want to follow? 
5. Once you are sure that everything is secure, inventory everything. Stock pile all of the batteries, and propane, (Keeping the propane in separate safe place.) 
6. Figure out who the loose cannon is. You know...the guy who will mess everything up. (My vote is for the guy with the mullet. Kill him. Do it simply. ) Don't lock him up he will get out and cause problems. 
7. Get on the roof. Build garden using dirt and seeds. Build water collection facilities. Using buckets for collection, and distillation using glass and plastic. Watch out for flying zombies. Or space zombies as they will land their zombie ships on the roof and eat your brains. A good cue for that one is the high pitched wooo woooooo theremin sound that they make when they land. 
8. Wait through winter, see if the zombies freeze. If the zombies freeze and fall over, then get covered up with snow, do not go outside and try and walk through the snow as they will stand up all at once and get you. 
9. While waiting make baddass machine out of forklifts. Research zombies from a distance...see if you can get them to attack inorganic objects. Then determine why. My personal bet is that its a little sound, a little smell, but mostly heat. If you can use environment suits to keep any heat from escaping you could probably just walk through them. Donna is of the belief that zombies attack instinctually. They can sense who is sick (dead) and who is not. If Zombism can be equated to a virus (or is caused by a virus) then its in the virus' best interest to not waste time on those already infected. It must multiply, therefore going after the healthy.
*Do not catch a zombie for research. That's just a bad idea. It *will* get out. If you want to be super duper safe, you should also probably get rid of all of the propane and or gasoline. There is a good chance, that somehow someone will trip while carrying one of the canisters and blow the whole thing.* 
10 . Get black paint. Using canvas, make ninja suit. Disappear. Cut zombies in half. Problem solved. 

If you can't get to a Home Depot, a stand alone convenience store would also be good. As they too have those metal garage like doors you can pull down in front of the window. That's only a temporary solution as there is not much in the way of seeds. (You could probably get some tomato seeds out of the fixings bar, but that's about it). 

D and I also determined that the very worst place to go is a Staples or Office Depot. You got nothing there, unless you intend to paper cut them to death. Also, while a Circuit City or Best Buy would be fun, eventually the power and batteries will run out and then what? 

Other rules that will just be helpful: 
1. If you are a virgin. Don't lose your virginity just to do it. Don't hook up with people in your group. That's just a bad idea. 
2. Don't go after the dog. Sorry but if Bowser runs away from your baddass machine while you are stopped for gas and there are zombies coming, too damn bad. They won't eat him, so he should be ok. Practice the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. If you don't your limbs will do it for you. 
3. Listen to the retarded guy and/ or the kid. They probably know something that you don't. 
4. Listen to the old black lady that appears in your dreams. 
5. Avoid any hot chicks wearing biker jackets. If they look slightly mussed but still have perfect hair and makeup, they are in with the devil and should be avoided at all costs. 
6. Don't go anywhere alone. Duh. 
7. Do not operate chainsaw in moving vehicle. 
8. Kill the smart ass. And the hysterical girl...And the slut (Mostly because she is annoying). 
9. Make metal pants. Zombies don't like metal pants. 
10. Watch out for smart zombies. You know they are out there...Its just a matter of time. Donna thinks you might be able to reason with a cognitive zombie, but that, however, is the kind of thinking that will get us all killed. She'll probably need to be eliminated for the good of the group. 
11. Tim, don't go back for the video games.. I don't care if you are a ninja. My bet is there are probably ninja zombies. And don't you know that the ninja zombies will be hanging out by all of the video games and electronic equipment. Most of it comes from Japan after all. 
12. Let Ding0 make things. 

Now that I have typed all of this out I can stop thinking about it. *yay* .
-S

Tim's Thoughts:
I sent this to my father. He'll have a great take on this subject.

Having spent years contemplating this predicament, using the tactics in RPGs, I have conceived the following survival techniques: first we must analyze our zombie. We will stick to the "Dawn of the Dead" style zombie.

1. Enhanced speed and strength. Ain't no way a super fatty gonna get up and fly across the room like that with human limitations.

2. No preternatural senses what so ever. While strolling across the street unless they SEE OR HEAR YOU, you will go undetected! Any degree of stealth will work.

3. Ways to kill them: Removing their head does not kill them. Burning them will stop them, thus any form of total obliteration will do.

4. Avoid being bit. They transfer this virus through a bite and not blood. A thick diver's suit will work; they may have sharp teeth, but if Jaws can't get through zombies won't either. Think any form of animal handlers.

In the movie they went to EXACTLY the right place but had NO IDEA what to do. A level head would have only added a month though. If, however, there was a NINJA among them, things would have gone smoothly...much like this :

-Ninja establishes dominance immediately, temporarily
paralyzing any who oppose him. Gathers all weapons and
barricading the entrances.

-Once food was collected, along with resources (great
idea with the seeds...Natural Wonders, Garden stores,
and any place you would run to the last minute for a
mother's day gift will have plants and seeds.).

Plant seeds on the roof, gather batteries, firewood,
etc.

-Ninja makes bombs; keeps them far away from the
stupid people.

-Find internet connection and read world news. Email
for help. If the entire world is zombified, don't
bother giving away your fortification. The internet
won't shut down immediately, but since ISPs are now
drooling zombies, connection failure may result. Only
ninja and one other person are allowed to surf.

-Raid the bookstore for necessary information. (maps,
local trails, etc... for escape plan).

-Bomb the zombies. The ninja would be in charge of
this entire process, never EVER allowing stupid humans
near anything explosive. Napalm. Acid. Firebombs.

-Designate roles for the humans. Find your cook, your
gardener, your sniper, your scientist, and your radio
operator. Complainers will be paralyzed immediately.
The ninja would innately know bites make zombies, thus
bitten humans are bound on the roof, strapped with
bombs, and once turned thrown to the crowd and
detonated.

-Since the zombies lack the ability to communicate or
work together, figure an initial wave will be 3 months
or 10,000 bodies. Bombs should clear the area. The
inevitable zombie-in-the-rafters will linger, but with
ninja perception they will be detected LONG before
they are a problem.

-rather than capturing an intact zombie, simply
removing the head (from a distance of course), busting
out all the teeth, and sewing the mouth shut will
provide a perfect specimen for research. Research
will present the ruse of hope for the humans,
convincing them they will survive.

-At this point the ninja would volunteer to explore
the outside world. Since all malls have banks and
banks need armored cars, the possibility of an armored
car is high. Taking the hottest chick among the group
and head out. My vote is for the smoking red head.

-Use the maps to discover a direct route to a well
researched safe haven. Nothing comes to mind
immediately, but after 3 months of pondering such a
place will arise.

-and repopulate the earth. Since all other ninjas
will fare extremely well against unarmed swarms of
senseless zombies, eventually other ninja may contact
you. At such point, you could throw a party or maybe
play a game of D&D. As for the humans back at the
mall...who cares...they're dead by now.


***Clearly you can see that Tim is insane.***